You’ve felt it your entire life that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Have you ever sensed that something’s amiss but been unable to pinpoint what or why?
Can you remember who you were before society told you who you should be?
This letter will attempt to convey the significance of each human being’s unique experience and how big of a transformation it actually is to become self-aware. I feel it’s advantageous you be au fait with the type of person I used to be in order to grasp the level of change that occurs. Broadening your perception of trauma will also contribute to the clarity of the picture I’m painting.
So, just like every perfectly imperfect human being I have strengths, and weaknesses idiosyncrasies that give me the opportunity to constantly improve myself. It was pretty recently in my journey when I connected the following dots and consciously decided to stop identifying supposed weaknesses as such: > I am a necessary part of the whole <-> My task in this life is to accomplish soul growth <-> My thoughts instantaneously affect my energy field, which then affects my body and state of health <-> Self-love is not self-righteous, self-love is self-respect <-> “Weaknesses” are simply gateways in disguise; each one an opportunity to honour my whole self; to practise self-love; to heal; and to accomplish the task of soul growth. <
Probably my most prevailing idiosyncrasy is my ability to retreat into a rich inner world where I explore the magic and vividness in the far reaches of my imagination. This inner world has been a sanctuary I’ve retreated to for as long as I can remember. There are no rules or conflict there. No hard decisions or time constraints. No falseness, monotony, pointless chatter or details to obsess about. Long before I identified “weaknesses” as opportunities I would unconsciously allow my rich inner world to add to my distractibility and disdain for the “real world”. If I had to come up with a theme to describe this stage of my journey, Avoidance, would be it.
Throughout my entire life I have felt as though I’m on a different page to everyone else. Though, never was I able to put my finger on what the cause of this subtle but steadfast feeling was. As I am certain every child does, across the span of my childhood I would question the experience I was having at a particular time but was often told “that’s just the way it is”. Can you relate? Naturally, I was never satisfied by such poorly considered, unconscious answers. However, because I possessed such a deep-rooted dislike for conflict of any kind my eagerness to please my parents and keep the peace completely eclipsed my soul’s craving for truth.
I think it’s safe to say that most parents genuinely love their children very much, so it’s unfortunate that many of these loving parents haven’t committed to unfolding their own consciousness as only a person who has met themselves fully can raise a child who will do the same. In this regard, without even realising it, many parents do their children a great disservice. In order to not make a fuss I slot myself in like a Tetris brick, and as I grew up, more and more of my authentic self was kept hidden behind a veil.
This process of hiding our true selves is twofold because as our authenticity retracts it gets replaced by a mask version of the self which is who we think we need to be in order to survive. The greater the divide between who we are and who we think we are, the greater our need is to squelch inner turmoil. And the greater the effort to squelch inner turmoil, the greater our awakening process will be. This process is part of the human condition. It is our built in survival instinct keeping us safe from any degree of trauma that we have no other way of dealing with.
The following paragraphs further my explanation of trauma and draws attention to the pervasive nature of the effect is has on us. When human babies are still in the womb incoming souls have the arduous task of squeezing into the tiny physical body; and from the time of birth onwards the soul has the task of detaching itself from the spiritual planes of reality and awakening to life in this (perceived) physical, 3D plane. Babies process this transition as they sleep when the higher (etheric) and lower (physical) layers of the babies energy field actually disengage, assisting with the growth and change the baby is undergoing. The newfound restrictions and denseness of the physical plane can make the transition for some babies very difficult.
Let me share one particularly striking case I read about that involved an energy healer using her High Sense Perception (HSP: expanded awareness) to witness the soul of a baby boy leaving his physical body and spending time on the spiritual plane with spiritual family figures. He had such a hard time letting go, it could be observed that his physical state was at peace when his soul was in contact with his spirit family. Conversely his physical body became distraught when he didn’t have contact with spirit. He had more of an affinity with his spirit family than his earthbound parents. Even trauma such as this, the depth of which his earthly parents would not have even known, affects the energy field of the infant and begins the process of building the mask self. The mother’s energy field is also directly affected because for quite some time after giving birth she is energetically connected to her baby via an etheric umbilical cord. Anyone who has held someone else’s baby can attest, babies always know who their mum is because in infanthood she is literally an energetic extension of them, and vice versa.
Of course throughout our lives we continue to experience varying degrees of trauma; adverse intimate encounters (not necessarily sexual, just personal in nature) are very often due to parental or institutional neglect. The effect that this provocation of fear has on developing brains is so immense it actually alters the growing brain. Said another way, trauma and fear cause lasting brain damage in babies and children. Generally speaking, the greater the number of adverse intimate encounters the more significant the brain damage is. A striking note was made by philosopher Stefan Molyneux in his series, The Bomb in the Brain, in which he stated,
The degree to which an adult rejects reason and evidence is the degree to which they have been traumatised.
– Stefan Molyneux
Now that we have a broader understanding of trauma and a picture of my personal roots I will share the events that led to my unfolding which allowed me to finally be able to articulate the ingredient in life I’d always instinctively known wasn’t right.
Thanks to a succession of serendipitous moments over the course of more than a decade, what began as a tale of trials and tribulations for my strongly avoidant self, ended up metamorphosing into a fable of surrender and rebirth.
What seemed like the chance meeting of my soul mate as a twenty one year old woman was the first time in my adult it felt like I approached a clearly defined fork in the road. I recall walking to my car one morning and feeling a wave of energy rush from my head to my feet grounding me firmly in place. As this happened, a voice in my head said to me, as though I was being guided: “You need to choose whether you are going to commit to him, because if you do, it is all or nothing”. I stood beside my car and weighed up my options. I had complete awareness of the sacrifices I’d have to make and knew I needed to decide whether I could make them without ever carrying bitterness or resentment. And just like that, I made the choice to commit. Immediately after this decision was made my consciousness went back to normal and my feet un-grounded themselves from the earth. This moment of such profound clarity etched itself safely in my core never to be forgotten. Despite the tremendous impact it had on me, at the time I didn’t realise it was the beginning of my spiritual awakening or that the next chapter instore for me was going to be such a wild ride.
The birth of our children years later provided many moments of clarity and parenthood continues to. Children truly are our teachers. The boy’s dad and I wholeheartedly attribute the lessons we’ve experienced as parents for the elevation of our consciousness. Children are the bright little beacons that lead us home, if only we allow them to. We must place our trust in their ability to lead the way. The love our kids brought into our world and the lessons we learnt as a young family marks a time that I’d call the heart of my awakening journey.
In all kinds of ways, if we are willing, our children take us into places in our heart we didn’t know existed.
– Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Awakening is not all sunshine and lollipops though. Awakening is an overwhelming sensation that pushes us toward a powerful spiritual breakthrough. It is the complete shattering of lifetime’s worth of illusion and ego and fear. It’s a journey that weaves and winds its way through treacherous passes and overwhelming obstacles. It feels like depression. It feels like insanity too. It grabs your hand and takes you to rock bottom where you spend time getting to know your deepest fears. One by one the bricks you have used to build your protective wall, your mask self, come crashing down bringing everything that’s ever insulted your soul with them. This destruction of ego literally makes you feel like you’re falling apart.
To cope with such an intense period of mind bending confusion I cleverly decided to dull my senses and self-medicate with alcohol. Shamefully, one particular day I attempted to collect my son from kindy when I was so intoxicated my words were slurred and I could barely walk. Bursting out into public knowledge that day is the point in time my awakening became something far bigger than just me. In the midst of this turmoil I hadn’t yet realised I was undergoing a radical transformation. That day signifies the beginning of rock bottom for me. From there the use of professionals became the focus; specifically a GP and psychologist. I remember feeling lighter after the sessions with the psych; I offloaded supressed emotion that I had been keeping to myself and these appointments definitely provided relief for surface level issues, though I personally found the depth of healing required was not something a psych was qualified to assist with. It was at the end of my second appointment that my ol’ faithful sense of something being amiss showed up again and did so at precisely the moment my Dr recommended I start on a course of anti-depressants.
Still feeling very much like a victim I hushed my inner sense and started on a course of Prozac. Two weeks later my mood had lifted noticeably and life seemed like it was getting back to normal only, it wasn’t. I knew that the pills were the only reason my vibe had changed and was fully aware that no lasting healing of any kind had occurred. I couldn’t move beyond the superficiality of accepting anti-depressants as a solution to my woes and I never took another pill again.
Throwing myself back into the deep end, my feelings of hopelessness and confusion quickly returned. As I sat on the top step of our internal staircase crying uncontrollably I decided to go and jump off a bridge. I grabbed my car keys and walked down the stairs. As my hand reached out for the brass handle on our door, a loud voice inside my head said, “STOP. DON’T GO”. My legs froze mid step and then buckled beneath me. As I sat sobbing on the tiled entryway of our home the answer I’d been longing for finally came to me.
I was the only person capable of saving me.
It had been with me the entire time in the form of my sense that something was amiss.
My will to fight my way through life hastily dissipated very shortly after I realised that I was the one I’d been searching for. It wasn’t an external problem and I hadn’t been resisting life at all, I’d been resisting the real me.
So like never before, I took a giant leap of faith in myself and allowed my well-crafted shell to crumble away.
May each of us have the courage to consciously choose love, lest we shall remain in default mode, fear.